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Today a tempest in a tea party erupted after some conservative Twitter trolls posted a video of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez dancing to a Phoenix song during college. The video, which features moves taken from The Breakfast Club, is about as earnest and exuberant as they come, and somehow someone thought a video that made the new Congressperson look fun and young was a takedown. Conservatives have accused AOC of being many things, most of which she is not, yet somehow they failed to call her out for what she actually is: Lea Michele on Glee. How will I, personally, recover from this?
What are conservatives supposed to tell their kids?! "Alright, gather round now Breitbartia and Donald J. Trump, Junior Junior. I supposed you've seen the disturbing footage on Al Gore's internet and it's high time we discuss it. I had wanted to shield you from these things until you were much older, like in your mid-forties probably, but the liberal media seems insistent on pushing their lifestyle on you. I think you should know that sometimes... Sorry for crying, it's just so hard for me.
"Sometimes, when you go to college... people... Oh, God, why! People film themselves dancing to songs and upload it to the internet. No one knows why they do this! No one knows who this is actually for! It's an epidemic, though. Lip-sync videos, viral dancing challenges... a cappella concerts. You're going to have to learn about all of it. But the worst of them all is a bunch of bright-eyed young people with enough time and energy to learn choreography and who have access to at least one copy of iMovie or something similar. Probably not FinalCut Pro. But you never know. You. Never. Know. I'm sorry you had to find out like this."
This video looks like the opening of Friends and I'm mad. I mean, I know it's actually a very accurate recreation of the dance from The Breakfast Club set, for some reason, to the song "Lisztomania" by the band Phoenix, which was probably not expecting to begin 2019 with renewed relevance. Nevertheless, AOC is frolicking with a bunch of young, carefree people in a space where they probably shouldn't be and that's the kind of thing that literally only happens when Monica, Phoebe and company are splashing in a fountain.
I am glad that AOC is in office and I am excited about what's she's going to do but I am furious that she has 1) adult friends, 2) hand-eye coordination, 3) a real gift for the camera. First she shows off her ability to cook for herself while also speaking coherently in her Instagram Instant Pot videos, now she's giving Ally Sheedy realness on a random Boston rooftop! If she shows up as a guest judge on Drag Race it's over for us. All of us. Bring on the Thanos hand; we're done.
Her appeal is actually pretty impressive, which makes me super angry. I know she has, like, a job to do and whatnot, but after the impeachment, I'd really like her to branch out into a Queer Eye-style Netflix show where she just comes to my house, dances around, and fixes my life.
Not only does this video make me question all of my life choices in the present, but it also makes me mad at my stupid college self for not having the kind of fun that would come back to improve my image after I'd become wildly successful and famous. Yes, in the moment it was very interesting to film lipsync's to "My Name Is Not Susan (Wadell Remix)" and, for some reason, "Your Daddy's Son" from Ragtime but that's not what America needs right now. Apparently what America needs is a sun-dappled rooftop full of kids (and one furry) (yes, I know it's a mascot) getting their lives to Phoenix (congrats on the Spotify plays!). And somehow Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, in all her prescience, knew that. Can't wait for tomorrow's scandal in which it's revealed that she invented Post-Its and co-wrote Hamilton. How will we ever survive?
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